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Airline Humour; This is your captain speaking ...
Topic Started: Jan 13 2005, 10:15 AM (74 Views)
PapaC
0.5 Steamie; 0.5 FBB

Airline Humour
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
^_^
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
^_^
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
^_^
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
^_^
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
^_^
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
^_^
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
^_^
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
^_^
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine."
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papapatagonia
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EC Enforcer turned Mercenary

My Favorite was on the Way back From america When I was about 12, and After losing my Thought that turbulece was fun after being slammed into the Ceiling and then the floor again by a pocket of "Dead Air" (I'm not sure what Causes it, or how it does it, but it basicly makes the Plane Drop Striaght down, and when its bad it can make for better drops than a Ride at Dreamworld/luna park/Six flags), and Also, after flying bloody everywhere, and Facing a 27 hour flight back to Sydney, and another hour to Brisbane, I was in one of My Cruel, but funny moods.

As the attendant was giving the lecture, she said

"In the event of an emergency, Such as loss of Engine power"(The rest of that sentance is "That will require an emergency landing" so on so fourth)

And me, Being a Connelly fan, shouted out

"We're going into the ground like a Bloody Dart!"

The Hostie was "Subtly Uninpressed"
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kloister
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Fudgie's 'Fronk'...

I had a friend that whenever he would travel abroad to the states he would make himself up a little sign to show as he passed by all of the limo drivers waiting to pick up their fares...

They of course would be holding up signs with companies or people's names on them...He would make eye contact...smile and then turn rouns his little sign...Which read...

NOT ME

:lol2:
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tsrill
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Quote:
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Reminds me of the French flight attendants we had on a trip back from the united states, and the silent war my brother had fought with them...

-Tsrill
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Aurellis
Fugitive From the Fashion Police

::wipes eyes::

That was the best laugh I've had in a long time. Those are priceless!
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Ladengale
Joe Cool

Those are genuis.
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Saturnistine
Evil Scientist

Reminds me of funny things to say while it's going down, except these actually happened which makes it even better.

Quote:
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


One of the best movies of all time is Airplane.

"oh stewardess? I speak jive..."
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j delight
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I can make a pterodactyl...
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