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Grimm, Rieper and Associates; Funeral Directors
Topic Started: Feb 13 2004, 09:23 AM (3,460 Views)
Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* a distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere *

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Josiah Grimm. How may we be of service?

Ah, I see. Yes, we can indeed arrange a plot for you at the town cemetery. However, I have heard of this "leisure suit" * he seems to struggle to pronounce the words, as if it tastes bad in his mouth * and if I might be so bold, perhaps cremation would be a wiser choice? We have our own crematorium here on the premises.
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

A large, well-built structure stands on one side of the street. It looks as if it has been there for ever, but is clean and well-kept. Discrete gold lettering on the black sign over the door identifies the premises as belonging to Grimm, Rieper and Associates, Funeral Directors. The building is surrounded by a few yards of empty ground, which is free of weeds and litter. Three doors are visible from the street: the largest is marked "Chapel and Waiting Room", and another is marked "Funeral Parlor". The third door is to one side of the building and is unmarked. There are large windows at the front of the building but dark red velvet drapes hang from a rod just above eye-level so that nothing of the interior is visible except the ceilings, which are tastefully decorated in cream with a few features picked out in dark red.
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parrrrtay
Member Avatar
Do not follow me, for I am lost...

Do you sell grave plots too?

If they ever kill this leisure suit, I may be intersted in purchasing a plot to bury the damn thing!
Something off in the corner near a mud slide would be nice.
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htz3
Member Avatar
Former Delegate Member of COG

I may have some bussiness for you a mr GE has been thinking he can come in and tell me how to run my bussiness he may be here shortly
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God-Emperor
Leto II

Yeah, deliverin' HTZ's corpse...Ah, Man. I so got you.
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htz3
Member Avatar
Former Delegate Member of COG

Cancel that order I hired him instead an I will make him wish he were here if he dosen't do his job
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God-Emperor
Leto II

Yeah, I'd rather die then listen to you drone on about 'responsblity'. :P
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* a distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere *

Good day, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce mysefl: I am Ebeneezer Rieper. As it seems you have no immediate need to arrange for the final transition of a loved one, or as it would seem, each other, perhaps you'd be interested in one of our Planned Departure programs? The one thing that's certain about our lives is that it will come to an end one day, and whilst we all hope that day will be a long way off, think how upset your family and friends will be when it finally does. Wouldn't it make you feel better to know that in their time of grief you'd saved them the trouble of trying to imagine how you'd like your service, whether you wanted buried or cremated, who you wanted to say a eulogy and so on? And not to mention protecting them from having to worry about money in their darkest hour!

* the man leans in towards GE and htz3 and says in a slightly softer voice *

Actually the biggest favour you'd be doing them is stopping them arguing about it - you'd be amazed the fights families can have sometimes about this, especially over the money.

* the man straightens again, and gives GE and htz3 each a black folder with "Planned Departures" in discrete gold lettering on the front - it's not obvious where these came from, and GE and htz3 hadn't noticed him carrying them before *

Have a look through these to see how it works. We can record all your preferences, from who you want to invite, down to what handles you want on your coffin. And if you like you can pay for it all so that your loved ones don't have to - we even have a payment plan so you can spread your payments rather than having to pay everything up front.
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LadyRebels
Unregistered

*a woman dressing in black walks in, her hair covered in black lace*

I have a simple request, a nice resting place, overlooking a river, with a clear view of the stars, a casket of the finest materials that you have, the subject was 5 ft 11 inches, broad in shoulder, a memorial service for those that wish to attend.

Cost is no object here, can you fulfill those needs?
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* a distinguished-seeming gentleman appears and guides LR to a chair *

We will be honoured to be of service, madam. May I offer our deepest condolences on your loss. Rest assured that my partner and I will do everything in accordance with your wishes. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Ebeneezer Rieper, and my partner over there is Josiah Grimm. We do indeed have a plot available which is exactly as you describe, and of course we can provide a suitable casket. I realise this must be a terrible time for you at the moment, but do you feel up to making the arrangements for the memorial service just now or would you rather make an appointment to go through it later on?
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LadyRebels
Unregistered

I would like for someone to help me arrange it. I thank you ever so kindly for your thoughts and your actions.
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FideiDefensor
Member Avatar
curioser and curioser...

Good Afternoon,

I was casually strolling through the market place, looking for some handy bargains and a lesser-spotted swamp dragon (of the spoon-fearing variety) when I noticed your intriguing establishment. I would like to express my need for employment and offer my services as grave-digger-extroadinaire.

Perhaps one is already in employment, but I am a quick worker and ask no questions. Minimum wage would suit me fine (does the SP have a minimum wage?)

Fidei :none:
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Aurasnathis


stranger in town still loking for somewhere to sleep.
Wanders in and finds a nice comfy coffin to snooze in
No one about
"This'll do fine" he thinks and jumbles in to repose
"Aaaaah" he thinks, laying down, "The dead don't know what they're missing"

and tumbles off into deep dreams ...

"Wake me when I'm done" says his spirit

He giggles, ...and cries, and turns over in his sleep.
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* a distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere *

Good day. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ebeneezer Rieper. Please follow me upstairs to our offices, and we can go through the details.

* He ushers Fidei through a door and up a set of stairs to a wood-panelled corridor. Several handsome doors lead off, and he opens one which bears a polished brass plate bearing the legend "Ebeneezer Rieper". He directs Fidei to a wood and leather chair in front of a large oak desk, which he sits behind in a comfortably padded leather swivel chair. He takes out a form and takes a black and gold fountain pen from his pocket *

Now perhaps you can answer a few questions. What experience of digging do you have? What name would you like me to put on your contract? Where can we reach you when we need your services?

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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* A distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere. He notices a body in one of the caskets and closes the lid, then turns one of the locking screws so that it cannot be opened more than a fraction *

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Aurasnathis



Stranger wakes calmly.
Refreshed.

"It's terribly dark in here"' he thinks, and notices the smell of fine silk and organza.
"Must have got one of the better coffins"
The atmosphere is close and soon realizes why when he tries to rise.
"Aah!" he thinks, "Forgot about the lid. You'd think they'd know who their client's are. How many live people have they buried, who quite innocently fell asleep in their coffins. Their books must be in a terrible shambles!"

notices the lid opens a mite.

Removes signet ring and loops scarf through it. Pushes the ring through the small gap so it dangles noticably. Ties other end around wrist and snuggles down for a few more winks.

"Aaah! Silk! I remember that time that I got into one of those cheap polyester lined things ... Ugh! I'd rather the airy plain pine box! Aaah! But we chose well, this time melad!"

Dreams of clouds and dribbles a bit ...
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* A distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere. He notices a ring dangling on a scarf from one of the caskets and frowns. He disappears again. *




* A few minutes later the distinguished-seeming gentleman reappears and walks across to the casket. He pulls hard on the scarf, which plays out about another six inches and stops with a faint thud. He then uses the pair of scissors he has been carrying to cut the scarf right next to the casket lid, which is followed by another faint thud. He steps back with a satisfied smile, and then leaves, taking the scissors, ring and scarf. *
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Christie
Enchantress

Now I know where Stephen King hangs out to get his inspiration.
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* a distinguished-seeming gentleman appears as if from nowhere *

Good day. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Josiah Grimm. Can I be of service to the young lady?
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Christie
Enchantress

Yea...uhh...looks nervously around and whispers, well, see, I kinda, got this friend who has an ex-boyfriend who may be, you know, meeting with an unfortunate end, uh, you know, maybe.......looks around some more, and I was wondering, no, well, really, she was wondering, ya know, just hypothetically, if something was to happen, (an accident of course), but if it was to happen, could you help me, I mean her, dispose of a body without any , ahem, sneaks a peek around, without any authorities having to be involved?

Smiles in a nervous sort of way, looks around, and breathes a sigh of relief having gotten that off her chest........

Well, are services of that sort out of the question??/
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FideiDefensor
Member Avatar
curioser and curioser...


*Looks around the room nervously, noticing several...interesting potraits, the subjects of which all bear a pale, sickly countenance. They stare back with cold, dead, unsmiling eyes. Admires her interviewer's elegant pen*

Well, my digging career began as a humble trap digger, but this didn't pay off, so I was forced to take up a post in the commercial agriculture and medicinal businesses. Unfortunately, my employer saw fit to flee the country as, unknown to myself of course, he was growing some very odd tomato plants that had very strange and expensive side-affects when taken. I felt I needed to broaden my horizons, and Grave digger seemed to be the next logical step for a person of my skill.

As for a contract, well, people tend to call me by different titles depending on their mood and memory. However, I can be found living in a hut in the woods on the hill. If you call me I will come...
Fidei :none:
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* In the funeral parlour *

What an interesting hypothetical question. Well, we are merely humble funeral directors, dedicated to making the last transition as easy as possible for the ...... "mourners". Discretion is our watchword, and I'm quite sure we could come to some arrangement, in the tragic event of a future loss. Perhaps you'd care to come to my office and we can discuss some of the costs involved in sending a loved one on his last journey?
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* In Ebeneezer Rieper's office, the distinguished-seeming gentleman fills in the contract and slides it across the desk *

So, Fidei, that all seems to be in order.

Quote:
 
Contract of Employment
I, FideiDefensor        , of the hut in the woods on the hill        do hereby agree to enter into this contract of employment with Grimm, Rieper and Associates ("The Company"). My duties will be digging graves, asssisting with the transportation of corpses                                    and such other tasks as I may be asked to undertake by The Company. In return for my services I agree to be paid at the rate of 3 silver pieces  per day  .

In witness whereof,

                                  [signature]

                                  [date]


If you'd just like to sign this, we can shake hands on our deal.
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Christie
Enchantress

Mearnskirk
Mar 12 2004, 08:44 AM
* In the funeral parlour *

What an interesting hypothetical question. Well, we are merely humble funeral directors, dedicated to making the last transition as easy as possible for the ...... "mourners". Discretion is our watchword, and I'm quite sure we could come to some arrangement, in the tragic event of a future loss. Perhaps you'd care to come to my office and we can discuss some of the costs involved in sending a loved one on his last journey?

Walks to office, somewhat hesitantly.....Well, I think that it would be best, probably, to go along the cremation route......less evidence,,,I mean because I can't , I mean my friend can't afford a burial plot or headstone.

What would it cost me, I mean her, to have a body picked up from my, her basement----uhh, I mean from the scene of a terribly unfortunate accident and transported to your crematorium and incinerated? I would want to take the ashes, well she would probably want to take the ashes, but no fancy urn would be needed. .....SHE can bring an old milk jug or goobergrape jar to put them in.....

sits and waits...exhibiting an unusual shortness of breath and trembling...... :blink:
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Mearnskirk
Retired Undertaker

* The distinguished-seeming gentleman ushers Christie through a door and up a set of stairs to a wood-panelled corridor. Several handsome doors lead off, and he opens one which bears a polished brass plate bearing the legend "Josiah Grimm". He directs Christie to a wood and leather chair in front of a large oak desk, which he sits behind in a comfortably padded leather swivel chair. *

Whilst we would be delighted to help, I must point out that our discrete service is not cheap. We have overheads, and in cases such as this there may be extra administrative expenses, such as provision of a death certificate, and so on. Perhaps your "friend" would be interested in one of our extended payment plans? When do you think this unfortunate accident is most likely to happen, or indeed has the tragedy already occurred?
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