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The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald; All the news you could shake a stick at.
Topic Started: Jan 16 2005, 06:22 AM (301 Views)
PAX HEARTLANDIA
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Texas Elder Statesman
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Sunday 16 January, 2005
-------------------------

Civil Service Not So Civil After All
A Special Report

"Sit! Down! Will you sit down!" shouted Charles Richardson. This might be thought an over-aggressive way to address a classful of eight-year-olds, never mind one of PAX HEARTLANDIA's Principal Secretaries of State, to wit Tomas Murphy.

But Charles Richardson does not make so much a speech, as an opposed assault on an enemy encampment. The bombardment is unrelenting and insufferably loud. To quote King Perivale Bucket II, "I don't know what he does to the Government, but by God he frightens the bejesus me".

Yesterday's debate on the state of the Civil Service Department started quietly enough. Mr Richardson was dressed festively in a charcoal and cream plaid jacket, so that with his shiny mop of ginger hair, He looked like a labrador which had got itself wrapped in the picnic tablecloth.

Mr Murphy was in his jovial uncle mode. He, too, addresses the other side as if they were slow but tractable children. "You know, sometimes I think Oppositions ought to just sit there and say 'thank you'... when will the shortages end? Well, it won't be tomorrow... you can't just flick a switch and get a extra funding!" Well, bless my soul and no mistake, you expected him to say.

Mr Richardson lurched to his feet and hurled himself at the podium. "What about Mr Williams, who has been waiting for 3 months for his wages?" 'Heavens to Betsy! Larks-a-mercy!' said Mr Murphy. (He didn't actually, but with his bottomless folksiness it felt as though he had.) "There are over a billion people in PAX HEARTLANDIA, and he picks on one name, and says: 'Here's a name - has he had his wages yet?'" (Pause for indulgent chuckle.)

Then came an argument about who was to blame for whatever it was they were arguing about. "In case he is suffering from Alzheimer's, he should remember that it was his party in power when the money started to dry up," he said. This was a mistake. It led to one of those subtle yet vicious exchanges when a group of politicians trade moral superiority. "He made a frivolous comment about Alzheimer's," Mr Richardson said. "I have to tell him that Alzheimer's is not a joke, There are many people who will be offended, of course luckily for him by the time theyve found a pen a paper, they will have forgotten what they were offended at."

All true, of course, though the sight of a him patrolling the corridors of political correctness is always startling. And on it went until the small hours of the night...

*Continued in the 'oh wait wrong paper' section *


In Other News
PAX HEARTLANDIA

Lurches towards financial ruin, acorrding to a source "PAX HEARTLANDIA Lurches towards financial ruin" the source said before continuing "They (The Government) have run out of money and have defaulted on loans to other nations, If they were a company they would have been in liquidation, months ago", amazingly he went on some more "They will have to sell the country at this rate"

*Continued in the nations for sale small ads section *

Today's Thought
A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Silly Quote of the Day:
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours".


DISCLAIMER:
This paper is used for the express purpose of entertaining PAX HEARTLANDIA. Nothing in The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald should be mistaken for the truth. Except the Civil Service thing. Swear to God.

----------------------------------------------------
© 2005 The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald™.
----------------------------------------------------

Copyright 2005, The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald. All rights reserved. If you laugh at anything in this newspaper, I'll hunt you down and demand an apology.
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PAX HEARTLANDIA
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Monday 17 January, 2005
-------------------------

An Apology Is Issued
A Special Report

To King Perivale Bucket II of PAX HEARTLANDIA from The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald, Yesterday we published a story about PAX HEARTLANDIA Lurching towards financial ruin, we regret publishing this story without first checking the authenticity of the said story.

King Perivale Bucket II wearing a 'Will reign for cash' teeshirt, has confirmed that there is no-one in the government called A Source and therefore there can be no truth in the published story.

Sorry.

*Continued in the hung, drawn and quatered section *


In Other News
PAX HEARTLANDIA

An insider has confirmed that many of the government departments have not received any remuneration for several months, "many of the government departments have not received any remuneration for several months" said An Insider today.


*Continued in the we checked this time section *

Today's Thought
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Silly Quote of the Day:
"Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together".


DISCLAIMER:
This paper is used for the express purpose of entertaining PAX HEARTLANDIA. Nothing in The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald should be mistaken for the truth. Except the Apology thing. Swear to God.

----------------------------------------------------
© 2005 The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald™.
----------------------------------------------------

Copyright 2005, The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald. All rights reserved. If you laugh at anything in this newspaper, I'll hunt you down and demand an apology.
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PAX HEARTLANDIA
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Tuesday 18 January, 2005
-------------------------

New Flag Unveiled
A Special Report

PAX HEARTLANDIA unveils a new flag today.
[align=center]Posted Image[/align]

*Continued in the hhmmm so what section *


In Other News
Its Coming

Today it was revealed that its coming to Texas, who or what Its is wasnt revealed but never the less coming it is, If anyone sees an Its wandering aimlessly around their nation, please report it to your local goverment minister, stating when and where you spotted the Its, and someone will come to collect it.

Thank you.


*Continued in the whats coming? and when it comes how will we know that its the its we are waiting for? section *

Today's Thought
Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Silly Quote of the Day:
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work".


DISCLAIMER:
This paper is used for the express purpose of entertaining PAX HEARTLANDIA. Nothing in The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald should be mistaken for the truth. Except the Flag thing. Swear to God.

----------------------------------------------------
© 2005 The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald™.
----------------------------------------------------

Copyright 2005, The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald. All rights reserved. If you laugh at anything in this newspaper, I'll hunt you down and demand an apology.
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PAX HEARTLANDIA
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Friday 21 January, 2005
-------------------------

King Exposed In Filthy Memo Drama
A Special Report

The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald is in receipt of a memo from King Perivale Bucket II to an unamed civil servant, in it, it exposes the depths that the nations has sunk too.

Quote:
 
M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Un amed (Civil Servant Dept)

FROM: King Perivale Bucket II

RE: Filth

Dear mr Amed,

Have we now found some money down the back of the throne? I ask as it appears that my office has been cleaned, and I was led to believe that the cleaners had left, having not been paid for several months, or some other minor matter.


A palace spokes person refused to answer any questions from our reporter and is quoted as saying
Quote:
 
"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       "


*Continued in the so wheres this leading too section *


In Other News
Its been a slow news week

As above but even more vague.


*Continued in the no news is still no news section *

Today's Thought
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Silly Quote of the Day:
"9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men".


DISCLAIMER:
This paper is used for the express purpose of entertaining PAX HEARTLANDIA. Nothing in The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald should be mistaken for the truth. Except the King thing. Swear to God.

----------------------------------------------------
© 2005 The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald™.
----------------------------------------------------

Copyright 2005, The PAX HEARTLANDIA Herald. All rights reserved. If you laugh at anything in this newspaper, I'll hunt you down and demand an apology.
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