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Why some of us are still single?; Expectations far too high.
Topic Started: Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM (608 Views)
Data's Cat's Sister
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Commodore
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Be The Perfect Boyfriend…




Amy Spencer





It’s amazing how much my “ideal boyfriend” list has changed over the years. Just to give you an idea, here’s a sample of what I’ve looked for in the past:

Perfect boyfriend list circa 1986: Cute. On football team. And, like, totally likes me. Perfect boyfriend list circa 1996: Has a great job. Social. Lives in same town/city. Perfect boyfriend list circa 2006: Big heart. Faithful. Fun. Potentially a great dad.

Even now, with all we know of love and life, when women start listing what we’re looking for in a man, it still usually starts with his looks, his location, his job, or O.K., maybe his sense of humour. But the truth is that any man, any height, any place, any job, can be the perfect boyfriend if he expresses the qualities that women really want. The things that speak to our hearts and affect us on a daily, weekly or monthly basis…the things we often forget we want in a man until we see a John Cusack film.

So I dug into my past experiences, good and bad, and talked to other women about what they’re looking for to come up with an ideal list. If we put one perfect boyfriend on order, here’s what comes with the package.

The perfect boyfriend…

…gives us butterflies in the beginning (Frequency: 1 x a week, at least for the first three months). I have a friend who’s been seeing a man for three months she describes this way: “He’s really nice and he’s really good to me, but sometimes I have trouble looking at him because he’s really weird-looking…but, you know, we’ll see.” Some people think you don’t have to be all that attracted to the person you’re dating. I’m not one of those people. (And let’s be honest, who really is?) The ideal man is either immediately attractive to us for his obvious physical attributes (say, dark-haired and tall, skinny with glasses, exotic and graceful), or because he appeals to us in other ways (the way he talks, the way he walks, the way he kisses , the way he works). Either way, those fluttery feelings in the beginning of the romance are important. Relationships get hard, and one way to endure the rough patches is having a little spark of high-school puppy love to fall back on. The perfect guy provides that.

…makes us laugh (Frequency: a lot). There’s a reason “sense of humour” is consistently at the top of every woman’s love list. If you can’t laugh together, really, what’s the point?

…shows us affection in tender ways (Frequency: minimum 4 x a week). My current squeeze was recently playing with my hair for the duration of an entire episode of Grey’s Anatomy (speaking of, is it too shallow to want the perfect boyfriend to watch Grey’s Anatomy with you?). I was in such heaven, it made me realise how important it is to be touched in ways that aren’t always pre or post sexually charged. For instance, guys, you know that clever idea you have of offering us a “backrub” when you really intend to slowly sneak your hands around and….well, we know that trick. I’m just saying, every once in a while, the perfect boyfriend would give us a plain old backrub.

…comes out with our friends and plays the role of token adorable guy (Frequency: 1 x a month). Like a designer coat you get for a steal, what’s the fun of talking about your big find if you can’t show it off? A perfect boyfriend isn’t just perfect when we’re alone; he’s perfect in public, too. Years ago, I dated an event planner who, every once in a while would say, “Let’s take your friends out.” He’d book a table somewhere, sort out taxis, pull out our chairs for us, order us drinks, and tell hilarious stories about some recent party fiasco. I couldn’t help beaming with pride when a friend would lean over and whisper, “Oh my God, he’s adorable.” For most women, our friends are our family and a big part of our lives, so we want our boyfriend to fit right in and make a great impression while he does it. What’s the fun of having the perfect guy if no one in the room goes home just a teeny bit jealous?

…agrees to go splitsies when we order food (Frequency: at least every other meal together). You know, you guys can have half of our chicken sandwich if we can have half of your burger? Your French fries are my French fries? Provided we don’t go too Tofurkey with our choices, it’s an admirable trait if a boyfriend shares a meal with us, literally.

…surprises us with thoughtful gifts and gestures (Frequency: 1 x a month). This is where those flowers come in. Or a new CD we wanted. Or a sweet text-message at eleven a.m. Big or small, it really is the thought that counts. While visiting my man in Los Angeles for a month, I mentioned a few weeks in that I was feeling a little homesick for New York City. When I woke up the next morning, he was standing there with two lattes…and a copy of The New York Post, which he’d spent 45 minutes driving around trying to find. The gift itself cost him two dollars, but was priceless in boyfriend points. “Half the fun of a little gift is just knowing that the guy is thinking of you when he’s apart from you,” points out my friend Sue. “It almost doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just the fact that he thought of us while he was doing it.”

…compliments us on things other than our looks (Frequency: 10 times a month). In a film I can’t help but reference weekly, Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson’s character tells Diane Keaton’s character, “You’re the funniest girl I ever had sex with.” Perhaps he could have phrased it a bit better, but there’s something magical about a man who notices the more profound, valuable qualities in us, who says things like, “You’re so interesting,” “You’re so intuitive” or “You’re so smart.” Looks fade, so we want a boyfriend who sees the pretty deep down.

…but, yeah, he also tells us we’re beautiful and gorgeous, all the time (Frequency: seriously, all the time). It just makes us feel really good. And the return a boyfriend gets on this is quantifiable: The more beautiful we feel, the better girlfriends we are in return.

…gives us cards with stuff written in them (Frequency: birthday, anniversary, and holidays). Gifts from a boyfriend are great, don’t get me wrong. But it’s truly gratifying when said boyfriend also gives us a card with something heartfelt or sweet or cute written inside of it, you know, something more than just our name, his name, “Love” and a little punctuation. It’s not required, of course, but it goes a long, long way.

…calls us on our questionable behaviour (Frequency: well, not too often). My friend Kim mentioned an attribute she appreciates in her current boyfriend. As she puts it: “He pulls me up on stuff.” Kim is a tough girl who does her own DIY and goes on holiday alone. But when she gets a boyfriend, she says, “I tend to turn into kind of a weepy, girl tied to the railway tracks type. The other day I asked him to get up and get me a drink, using this weird baby voice, and he was like, “Whoa, what’s with the voice? Now you’re pushing it.’ He was right,” she says, “I wasn’t being myself. And it makes me respect a guy when he puts me in my place when I veer off-course.”

…makes us trust him completely. (Frequency: always). I dated a bloke years ago who was big on guys’ and girls’ nights out. Which was fine, except that when he’d zip up his jacket and I’d say, “See you later,” he’d say, “Sure, unless I meet some other hot chick who wants me to come home with her, ha, ha, just kidding!” Guess what? Not funny. A perfect boyfriend makes a woman feel safe and secure. As my friend Todd puts it, “Trust is the titanium casing of a long-lasting relationship. Without that strong force field, you can’t survive. It’s what makes you a working team.”

…thinks it’s adorable when we’re our all-alone-selves in front of him. (Frequency: always). It’s rare to find a man who finds it charming that you wear decade-old T-shirts to bed, can eat a whole Domino’s pizza by yourself, and spend Saturdays watching Laguna Beach marathons. And that’s what makes him so special. Assuming we agree not to push it (“I love that you don’t care if I don’t shave for weeks!”), the ideal guy would make us feel loved and accepted when we’re being our most natural selves.

Amy Spencer is a freelance writer who has written for Glamour, Real Simple, New York magazine and Maxim, among other publications.


Link to this article of expectational doom

I happened to catch this on the MSN website and I felt totally exghausted by the time I'd finished reading it.

If this is what many women really expect I'm not surprised that we are taking so much longer these days to settled down.

What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!
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ImpulseEngine
Admiral
DCS,

Looking for too much perfection, I think, is an issue on both sides of couple relationships. In fact, I think it's even responsible for a great many divorces.

People would be better off realizing that, no matter who you finally decide is that "perfect other", there will always be those little things that get on your nerves or where you simply mismatch. There is no such thing as a "perfect" other.

The key to finding a successful partner IMO is first and foremost finding someone who will forever be willing to tolerate those little things. If you can find that, you are 70% on the way to finding that perfect other as long as you yourself are willing to tolerate those little annoyances too. The next 20% is finding someone who will work with you on matters of importance and be willing to compromise at least some of the time (i.e., you don't want someone who has to have their way all the time or thinks they have all the answers). And you, of course, must be that as well. After that, the other 10% is all the rest - common interests, similar values, sense of humor, appearance, etc. That 10% is important, but almost meaningless if you don't have the other 90% first IMO. Yet, the 10% is often what people concentrate hardest on finding.
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Dandandat
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Data's Cat's Sister
Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM
What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!

Its quite simple really, and an obvious difference between men and woman.

Most men will like/love whom ever it is that likes/loves them back. The only other thing for men could be looks, but that’s not always a give.

Men don’t make lists of the prefect girl and then try to find her. If a woman shows interest in a man that’s all they need.
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somerled
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I had no problem finding girlfriends before I met my wife (met through dance clubs, schoolmates, my sisters (who often had their friends over), and later through work).

People who are in their mid twenties and older and still single are more than likely their own worse enemies :
- expectations too high
- not prepared to compromise with another person
- untrusting of other people (of the other sex)
- scared to commit.
- don't have what the other sex want
- too self centric
- not nice people (ie they are themselves DAMAGED GOODS)
- and never go to places where it is easy to meet other nice single people of the other sex and to socialise with them and get to know them or form friendships with them
....are the usual reasons for remaining single.

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Intrepid2002
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UNGH!
What an interesting read. What struck me as odd was how long and detailed the list was.

That would have been fine Intrepid circa 1990 or 1998 even. But for Intrepid circa 2008, I know that's unrealistic. As unrealitic as that list is, I'm willing to wait for the right one. I don't think I can quantify what those qualities are, I'm just going to have faith that I'll know. So I'm going to wait.... if he never comes then I'd rather be alone than have to deal with a man who has issues.
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Minuet
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Dandandat
Feb 1 2008, 07:00 PM
Data's Cat's Sister
Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM
What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!

Its quite simple really, and an obvious difference between men and woman.

Most men will like/love whom ever it is that likes/loves them back. The only other thing for men could be looks, but that’s not always a give.

Men don’t make lists of the prefect girl and then try to find her. If a woman shows interest in a man that’s all they need.

:no:

I know enough single males to know this isn't true.
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Franko
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…surprises us with thoughtful gifts and gestures (Frequency: 1 x a month). This is where those flowers come in. Or a new CD we wanted. Or a sweet text-message at eleven a.m. Big or small, it really is the thought that counts. While visiting my man in Los Angeles for a month, I mentioned a few weeks in that I was feeling a little homesick for New York City. When I woke up the next morning, he was standing there with two lattes…and a copy of The New York Post, which he’d spent 45 minutes driving around trying to find. The gift itself cost him two dollars, but was priceless in boyfriend points. “Half the fun of a little gift is just knowing that the guy is thinking of you when he’s apart from you,” points out my friend Sue. “It almost doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just the fact that he thought of us while he was doing it.”

…compliments us on things other than our looks (Frequency: 10 times a month). In a film I can’t help but reference weekly, Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson’s character tells Diane Keaton’s character, “You’re the funniest girl I ever had sex with.” Perhaps he could have phrased it a bit better, but there’s something magical about a man who notices the more profound, valuable qualities in us, who says things like, “You’re so interesting,” “You’re so intuitive” or “You’re so smart.” Looks fade, so we want a boyfriend who sees the pretty deep down.

…but, yeah, he also tells us we’re beautiful and gorgeous, all the time (Frequency: seriously, all the time). It just makes us feel really good. And the return a boyfriend gets on this is quantifiable: The more beautiful we feel, the better girlfriends we are in return.



This is a joke, right ? This must be from Pamela Anderson's high school diary.


Actually, whenever I've tried to pull little "gestures" and "compliments" on a lady I've been involved with, I usually get a raised eyebrow and an interrogation as to what "I'm up to.." ;)


I've learned my lesson. If my presence alone doesn't fill you with sunshine and bliss, then I'm the wrong guy for you. :lol:

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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
:rotfl:

I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you DCS, this article is a bit unrealistic. No wonder this writer is still single.

Maybe she should try giving something back. Gifts once a month. :lol:

And you want us to think it's charming to watch you eat a whole pizza by yourself? Do you think watching us do that will "give you butterflies"?


Notice how she states what she wants us to make her feel like but doesn't say how to do that. Speaks volumes.

Sorry, maybe still a tad cynical divorcee, but I'm getting there. I just think if women want equality maybe they ought to address the inequality of what they expect from a relationship. Reciprocity. How about buying us a gift now and then?
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rowskid86
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Minuet
Feb 2 2008, 12:41 AM
Dandandat
Feb 1 2008, 07:00 PM
Data's Cat's Sister
Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM
What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!

Its quite simple really, and an obvious difference between men and woman.

Most men will like/love whom ever it is that likes/loves them back. The only other thing for men could be looks, but that’s not always a give.

Men don’t make lists of the prefect girl and then try to find her. If a woman shows interest in a man that’s all they need.

:no:

I know enough single males to know this isn't true.

As a Single Male. I think Dan hit it right on the head.

I never make lists. if she shows interest. and is cute. all i need.
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Fesarius
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Admiral
^^^
And 'Skid, she must be able to drink you under the table. ;)
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Bug
Supernatural = Hotnatural
When I was in high school I admit I would make lists and stuff like that, but realized only later how stupidly childish that was. Sure there are a few qualities I might look for, (most of them used to be things I wouldn't want in a man), but I've only ever had one guy ever be interested in me and that was a total flop. Sure it does get lonely, especially when watching all your peers (half of them YOUNGER than you) pair off and get married, so it can be hard here at college at times when you hear half your hall talking about wedding plans or dates. I have often wondered if I'm supposed to be one of those people who stay single the rest of their lives, but I know that I definately want a family. But, we'll see. He hasn't come around yet, and I won't know 'till it happens.
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Minuet
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rowskid86
Feb 2 2008, 08:59 AM
Minuet
Feb 2 2008, 12:41 AM
Dandandat
Feb 1 2008, 07:00 PM
Data's Cat's Sister
Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM
What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!

Its quite simple really, and an obvious difference between men and woman.

Most men will like/love whom ever it is that likes/loves them back. The only other thing for men could be looks, but that’s not always a give.

Men don’t make lists of the prefect girl and then try to find her. If a woman shows interest in a man that’s all they need.

:no:

I know enough single males to know this isn't true.

As a Single Male. I think Dan hit it right on the head.

I never make lists. if she shows interest. and is cute. all i need.

Quite honestly it may be true for some men.

But it is not true for all men, just as what the article describes is not true for all women.

There are selfish types out there of both sexes. They either do us all a favour and find each other or they end up single.
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captain_proton_au
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A Robot in Disguise

A lot of guys see their 20s as fun time, as well as time to get a bit of a career and savings/investment. Its never going to be really serious with a girl until it comes to baby making, more and more are putting that off till later


And the number of hoops they might be wiling to jump through is inversely proportional to the number of the girls competitors ;)
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Fesarius
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Admiral
I am very happily married, and very happy to be married. But before I met my future wife, I didn't have any intentions of marrying. Had I ended up choosing to live the single life, I believe that I would have managed, and probably could have been somewhat happy, but would probably not have felt complete. "Happy is the man whose quiver is full" really makes much sense once one is a responsible father.
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rowskid86
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Suck my Spock
Minuet
Feb 2 2008, 06:47 PM
rowskid86
Feb 2 2008, 08:59 AM
Minuet
Feb 2 2008, 12:41 AM
Dandandat
Feb 1 2008, 07:00 PM
Data's Cat's Sister
Feb 1 2008, 05:39 PM
What got me was not so much the items on the list as the frequency they were expressed. I know the article is titled 'perfect' but really it just seems so extreme. I dread to think what the equivilant list for women is like! I don't think I could live up to it!

Its quite simple really, and an obvious difference between men and woman.

Most men will like/love whom ever it is that likes/loves them back. The only other thing for men could be looks, but that’s not always a give.

Men don’t make lists of the prefect girl and then try to find her. If a woman shows interest in a man that’s all they need.

:no:

I know enough single males to know this isn't true.

As a Single Male. I think Dan hit it right on the head.

I never make lists. if she shows interest. and is cute. all i need.

Quite honestly it may be true for some men.

But it is not true for all men, just as what the article describes is not true for all women.

There are selfish types out there of both sexes. They either do us all a favour and find each other or they end up single.

Dan did say Most Not all Men.


Which it is true for most.
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