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Hasty Marriage Proposal; no.....not me !!!
Topic Started: Sep 17 2007, 08:24 PM (474 Views)
Franko
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Shower Moderator


Thought I'd post this in the ladie's forum since I'd like to hear everyone's take on this.


OK: I've known this young guy who's one of my friend's brothers since he was sixteen. He's 21 years old now. Back when he was 16 he was having some problems with school and the law and so on, but "we" sort of managed to get him on the right track. Since then, he completed his grade 12 and currently has a decent paying industrial job, and is pretty handy with mechanics and carpentry.

He's had a few girlfriends (most of them tramps) and was sort of hurt by his last flame. He often confides in me over this stuff, since he's embarassed to talk about his personal feelings with his family and so on, and I'm one of the few "older" dudes he knows that he's comfortable with in this respect.

Back in the middle of summer he met this girl while camping with some friends. She lives in our general area of the "valley" and I've met her once. She's kind of cute and has good manners, but like my young friend had a "turbulent" time of it through her teens.

So after six weeks, he's going to ask her to marry him. He laid this on me last night. He wanted to know what I thought about it, and I sort of hedged my reactions because, quite frankly, I don't know what to think.

On the one hand, my young friend is quite wordly, has experience with girls, and is what you call a "stand up" guy. (loyal) On the other hand, he still has some emotional maturity issues; although he's not really the impulsive type.

I sort of feel like the whole thing's a dice roll at a casino. It might work out; he's never shown this kind of interest in a long term commitment. On the other hand, we all know there can be long-lasting complications if this crashes in the early going (like her having his child and all).

Any thoughts ? I know I've outlined a pretty general overview of it here, but for once The Franko is stymied. I don't really want to talk him out of it, since it might turn out to be the best thing he's ever done; yet at the same time I have this disturbing feeling that they shouldn't rush into it like this.

However, neither of them are really that close to their own families, although their family situations are generally OK.

So, just fishing for some concepts to talk about with him, and maybe her, since he's suggested that I should sort of be their "marriage councillor".

I know, that's kind of hilarious, since I've never been formally married.

Comment is invited.

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Fesarius
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Admiral
Quote:
 
She's kind of cute and has good manners....

Franko,

What's not to like? :Fes:

Quote:
 
So after six weeks, he's going to ask her to marry him. He laid this on me last night. He wanted to know what I thought about it, and I sort of hedged my reactions because, quite frankly, I don't know what to think.

I am not a marriage counselor, but I do know what makes a marriage work (and what can destroy a marriage). The only advice I could give that might be helpful is for your friend to take things very slowly. Maybe a year from now, these two will become best friends, and then tying the knot may be more wise. I might ask him, "Dude, what's the rush?" Just my two cents. :)
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Minuet
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
I was thinking along the same lines as Fes.

It's not like you are telling him to dump the girl. Just telling him to take his time and make sure it is right.

Unless of course there is a reason you don't know about for the rush....
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Intrepid2002
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UNGH!


21.... That seems so young but then again my parents were married at 21/22 and have been married 47 years.

What is love anyway when you're 21 years old? What's wrong with waiting another year? I hope it works out for them.
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somerled
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Admiral MacDonald RN
What's the rush ?

A lot to be said for a long courtship .... my wife and I courted for a few years before taking the plung. We were engaged for over 12 months.

Marriage is something one should not rush into. A hasty marriage and other hasty major life decisions is one that is often regretted later at your leisure.

I would suggest that perhaps they shack up together for 5 or 6 months to see how well suited to each other they are , and to see each other warts and all.
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captain_proton_au
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A Robot in Disguise

Yeah, too many red flags there.

Give it about two years, you'll see what I mean ;)
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rowskid86
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Suck my Spock
thats way to earily to get married. wait a few years then get engaged.
After all it onlly takes 2 signitures to get married, and a whole lot of paper woprk, lawyers, court time, and money to get a divorce.

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Mel
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Coffee Lover
rowskid86
Sep 18 2007, 08:44 AM
thats way to earily to get married. wait a few years then get engaged.
After all it onlly takes 2 signitures to get married, and a whole lot of paper woprk, lawyers, court time, and money to get a divorce.

Don't I know it? I'm in the beginning process of getting a divorce. I'm attempting to do it myself to save money. Since mine is a simple case,(no children, or money or assets to split, didn't even last 6 months) it's possible, but not everyone's case is so simple. It's still gonna cost me up to about 400-500$, maybe less if I'm lucky.
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Admiralbill_gomec
UberAdmiral
I have to wonder if your friend is in a hurry to get married, Franko.

My youngest brother met a girl right after he graduated high school. I'm thinking it was late June or early July. He went off the UT at the end of August. On his first trip home he proposed to her (he told me, but not our folks, and this was a secret).

He didn't say this until after they split up the following January, but the reason he proposed? He was afraid of losing her to someone else. My comment to him at the time (unfortunately, letters were most of our communication at the time) was along the lines of, "If you worry so much about losing her, then it isn't meant to be. If you truly love each other you trust each other."

It didn't last, and he was pretty hung up on her for at least half a year after that.

He's now been married 11 years, and they dated for nearly four years before that.
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Bug
Supernatural = Hotnatural
Oh boy...six weeks...

In my head it's registering as a midterm exam time for a college semester. It takes longer than six weeks to learn everything up to that point and then to be tested on it, and to build upon that knowledge for the final exam. You can't rush into or through something like that.

Same with a relationship. How does one expect to fully know a person in just six weeks? I've known my friend Travis for almost two months now and sure we talk about a ton of stuff, and there was some attraction at the beginning of it, but that has long since faded into a better relationship that is becoming more solidified in trust rather than flinging into something that wasn't meant to be.

Your friend sounds a lot like my own ex, who had "experience" with girls and would flit from one to another, his longest lasting three years prior to me (ours lasted 4 1/2 months and he has a new girlfriend again). I'm not sure how guys handle it but I know it affected me greatly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is caution him to be careful and think through things. I know not everyone's the same, but I don't want him to cause damage to not only himself but the girl as well. It can take some people an incredibly long time to overcome something like that.
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Franko
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Shower Moderator


So now the latest is that they want to go to Las Vegas next month and get married.

A lot of helpful advice here, it's certainly given me some aspects to consider.

I'm having a small party this weekend; I've invited some of my younger friends and so "Hammer" (just a nick name) is going to bring her over.

I'm still not going to try and put them off this thing; but if they want to talk about it with me I'll likely have some of these points to bring up.

Feel free to add more or if you want to talk about courtship and marriage and stuff, that's fine too.


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Minuet
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
Just to play Devil's Advocate I want to present the other side. Yes, divorce is higher among those who get married quickly or at too young an age. But it wasn't always that way.

Sometimes you just know what is right quickly. My husband's uncle met and married his wife when he was just 18 years old. She was 16. This wonderful couple has been together over 60 years and are still very much in love.

I also have an Aunt who married fairly quickly. My grandfather has moved the family to a small town. My aunt said she was leaving at the first opportunity to move to the city. Instead she met my uncle, got married, and lived in that town till she passed away last year. My parents generation married younger then we do and generally were successful. That would be the grandparent generation for many of you out there. Many young people today see thier parents split up - but how many have seen thier grandparents, who generally married younger then thier parents - split up?
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Admiralbill_gomec
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Marry in haste, repent in leisure.
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Dandandat
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Time to put something here
Franko, tell them to move into together first and see how it works for them. Its at those times when you are that close to someone when you discover if they are wrong or right for you.
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Intrepid2002
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UNGH!
You never finished "the rest of the story" Franko.

What happened?
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