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Unannounced and Unofficial
Topic Started: Aug 29 2007, 06:11 PM (423 Views)
UncleSlickhead
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High Priest of the Church of the Blalock's Booty
Greetings and Salutations, you naughty gerbils, you (Craig Ferguson reference).
'Tis I, your long-lost Uncle Slickhead, with an important announcement that will shake the Pillars of Heaven (Big Trouble in Little China reference; woohoo!).

But first, a bit of background.

I'm just as qualified to be President as Hillary Clinton.

End of background.

That being said, why shouldn't I run for President?
I'm a natural born citizen. I'm a college graduate. I served in the military in a non-National Guard capacity. I took Civics in school.
I've never propositioned a cop in an airport restroom.
So really.
Why not?

The problem is in fund-raising.

Not that I can't raise funds. I have some experience with the $1000 a plate luncheon, even if the Chicken Tandoori Disaster of '97 is considered one of the greatest culinary and intestinal tragedies in human history.

The thing is, I'm just not in the mood to keep track of all the money, and the government apparently requires periodic reports on just how much money one has raised on one's campaign.
It's a big hassle.

The answer came to me just the other day.
Fred Dalton Thompson.
I can do like Fred Dalton Thompson.

I just won't announce that I'm running for President.
Fred is a genius.
GENIUS!
Since he's not actually technically a candidate, he can do whatever he wants, and he doesn't have to pay all that much attention to how many millions of dollars he's raising.
And the best part is that if the Beef Lo Mein gives everybody the Hershey Squirts, it won't reflect badly on his candidacy because HE'S NOT AN OFFICIAL CANDIDATE.
Brilliant!
Acting! (SNL reference)

So listen very carefully: I'm not announcing that I'm running for President, but I'm having a nice $1000 a plate luncheon this weekend, where I may field a few questions on where I stand on the issues of the day. Feel free to join me, as there will be a very special peformance by the Grammy winning Starland Vocal Band. I believe they'll sing a medley of their hit.

Thank you.
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UncleSlickhead
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High Priest of the Church of the Blalock's Booty
Another problem just occurred to me.
On a ballot, a candidate's name appears with his running mate's and the PARTY WITH WHICH THEY ARE AFFILIATED.
Considering the abundance of new prudery in this country these days, how much trouble will I get in for being a member of the Booty Party?
Can you even put the word 'booty' on an official ballot?
Am I looking at a CBS Nipplegate situation?
Sweet Monkey Jesus, I hope not.
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Fesarius
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Admiral
^^^
I can support you, Slick. But I don't know if I can support the Booty party. I'll have to give this some serious thought. :chin: :Fes:
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captain_proton_au
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A Robot in Disguise

Yay, Slicks back!
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Fesarius
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Admiral
^^^
I'll definitely support his return. :yes:
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rowskid86
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Suck my Spock
I deffinataly support another round.
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Spanky
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Insanely Handsome Guy
We haven't met before so, hi there! :wave2:
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captain_proton_au
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A Robot in Disguise

Sparky
Aug 30 2007, 01:37 AM
We haven't met before so, hi there! :wave2:

What are you talking about? We've met before
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somerled
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Admiral MacDonald RN
I just posted Posted Image to help you with your campaign.

What's your platform ?
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HistoryDude
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Shaken, not stirred...
Oh, my, more like Silly Party! (Monty Python reference) :lol:
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Fesarius
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Admiral
Nice to meet you, even if we have already met before.
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UncleSlickhead
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High Priest of the Church of the Blalock's Booty
Well, my frisky ponies (Craig Ferguson reference), the $1000 a plate luncheon is this weekend, and I'm working up some talking points because every candidate (even unofficial and unannounced ones) has to have talking points.

Talking point #1- American beer is bland and tasteless. Beer in other countries is not bland and tasteless. This creates a huge beer flavor deficit. As President (even though I'm not officially running) I would work with both parties to decrease the beer flavor deficit, with the hopes of one day developing a beer flavor SURPLUS.
If we work together, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.
I'm a uniter, not a divider.

Talking Point#2- I miss the wholesomeness and purity of '80s porn.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Talking Point #3- I'm concerned that there are so many ugly women in government. As a nation, we must work harder to make public service a more attractive employment option for the seriously smokin' hot bootylicious women out there.
Can you imagine Beyonce as your Governor?
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

Talking Point #4- I'm hearing people mining for gold online in a game called Warcraft. Then these online miners sell this gold for actual real world money.
What is this? I feel a new tax coming on!
Ich bin a jelly doughnut!

I think this is a pretty good starting point. Perhaps you filthy pigeons could ask me some questions to get more of my positions into the open.

Thank you.
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LoriCiani
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"Effective against all things... except wood!"
As for the first talking point, didn't Monty Python say that American beer was "like making love in a canoe"?
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Yo-Yo
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Captain
I'll just put in my :2cents: and you can keep it! :P

Nice to hear form you uncleslickhead
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UncleSlickhead
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High Priest of the Church of the Blalock's Booty
I'm glad you've asked me this, young miss, as it's important for me to keep in touch with the youth of the nation.

I feel your passion for the subject, and I take your concerns (and the concerns of your peer group) very seriously. As President (if I were running) I will try to bridge the gap between the wrinkledy old people and the smooth young people. I would, if I were running for President, make youth issues an important part of my campaign.

You see, I care. I care about your education. If I were President (even though I'm not officially running) I would do whatever I can to improve your education. Maybe I'd start some kind of Department that focuses on that kind of thing. Make it a Cabinet level position.
I could call it the Department of Homeland Teaching.

Genius!

Anyway, thanks for the question, and why don't you come to the $1000 a plate luncheon this weekend?
Wouldn't hurt to have some young people around.
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