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Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Topic Started: Jun 11 2005, 10:17 PM (195 Views)
8247
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I've seen people do this on other message boards with different movies. What I want to do is recite the whole movie here in this thread. It doesnt have to be from memory. You can use the movie, or a website for assistance. All I ask is for the scenes be in the proper sequence, and if we decide that we want to talk about shrubberies and elderberries, we'll start another thread for it.. I'll go first. Here we go! NEE!

Posted Image

Scene #1

Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787". After a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by his searvant, PATSY, who is banging two half coconuts together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR: Whoa there!

PATSY makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder: castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: ...What?

SOLDIER: You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR: (Scornfully) So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER: Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

SOLDIER: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: Why not?

SOLDIER: I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound.

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER: It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER: Look! To maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

ARTHUR (irritated): Please!

SOLDIER: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER (who has loomed up on the battlements): It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER: Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. That's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER: Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR (losing patience): Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER: But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER: Oh yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER: So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
One of the greatest comedies of all time. I especially liked the witch trial and the thing about the peasant talking about a representative government rather than "some watery tart handing out swords" :rotfl:

I also liked:

"The grail is being held in the castle of AAAARRRGGGHH!!"

"What? What does that mean?"

"He must've died while writing it!"

"C'mon! If he was dying, he wouldn't bother to write "AAARRRGGHHH!!"

"Well that's what it says!!!" :loling:
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8247
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^^

NI!

Oh well...I wanted to have the whole movie scripted here, but since no one wants to do it, we can just discuss the movie, and post excerts from the script whenever.

My favorite parts are the subtleties in it. Like the dialouge leading into scenes.

Like this, right before they got to Camelot

BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be
banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again
how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Or, when we first see Bedevere, he is trying to tie coconuts to the feet of a swallow. :lol:
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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
How about the French?

"We seek the Holy Grail!"

"Oh, we already have one of those."

"Really? May we see it?"

"No! Now go away before I taunt you a second time!"



"Your mother was a goat, and your father snank of elderberrys!"
:rotfl:
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fireh8er
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I'm Captain Kirk!
8247, It's a great movie! I've seen that movie a million times.

Posted Image

MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!

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8247
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You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnnnniggets! :lol:
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8247
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fireh8er
Jun 16 2005, 02:55 PM
8247, It's a great movie! I've seen that movie a million times.

Posted Image

(Minstrel singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis...

Ok, thats enugh. There's dirty work afoot. :lol:
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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
How about when Lacelot kills everybody in the wedding party? :rotfl:
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8247
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^^^

I loved when he killed the first guard, and ran through the gate, and all the other guard does is say "Hey!" :lol:
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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
And the guards watching the groom write the letter, tie it to an arrow and throw it out the window. :rotfl:
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fireh8er
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I'm Captain Kirk!
[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-crap-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!

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8247
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CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEVERE: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they? Do they hurt?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she, is made, of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A duck! A duck!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
[yelling]
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King
Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the
Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of
Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon
Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together
they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.

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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
"You'll have to give us all spankings!!" :thud:
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8247
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And, after the spankings, comes the oral sex. :lol:
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Dr. Noah
Sistertrek's Asian Correspondant
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
wood.

^^^^

That part always cracks me up!!! The undeniable logic of Sir. Bedevere!! :lol:

By the way,

Thou shalt lobbeth thy holy hand grendate at they enemy and blow them to smitherines, in thy mercy,
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