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| Tell A Joke; (the thread) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 18 2003, 09:38 PM (561 Views) | |
| Fesarius | Jan 6 2004, 12:10 PM Post #16 |
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Admiral
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^^^ LOL! Wonderful!
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| Minuet | Jan 6 2004, 01:21 PM Post #17 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of setting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the fllowing questions: LAWYER: Have you any grounds? POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half. LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up? POLE: NO, I'm always up before her. LAWYER: is your wife a nagger? POLE: NO, she white. LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce? POLE: SHE going to kill me. LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof. LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover". |
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| Fesarius | Jan 6 2004, 01:24 PM Post #18 |
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Admiral
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^^^ LOL! I've always wondered about that word--as well as 'record.' |
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| Minuet | Jan 6 2004, 01:48 PM Post #19 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials: ....a Japanese Samurai ....a Chinese Samurai ....and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ....But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill." |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 6 2004, 11:48 PM Post #20 |
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Admiral
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LOL! Another two good ones Minuet! :lol: |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 7 2004, 03:43 PM Post #21 |
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Admiral
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(Not exactly a joke, but humorous) Ordering Pizza in 2015 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn." Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take? Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it." Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics." |
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| 24thcenstfan | Jan 8 2004, 06:47 PM Post #22 |
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Something Wicked This Fae Comes
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^^^ Humorous indeed!! And the scary part is, this is the trend we are moving towards. Everyone wants information from you. You go to the store to purchase something (even when paying cash), and they want your freakin zipcode or telephone number. <_< :rolleyes: |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 9 2004, 05:27 PM Post #23 |
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Admiral
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^^^ I don't mind giving my zip code, but I always tell them my telephone number is unlisted. No one has argued with me yet.
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| Wichita | Jan 14 2004, 11:00 AM Post #24 |
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The Adminstrator wRench
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http://tmi2001.50megs.com/GeorgeClooney.htm This site is about more than George Clooney - it has a variety of jokes on different topics. I didn't read them all, but the ones that I did were good. |
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| Minuet | Jan 20 2004, 09:15 AM Post #25 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on the wall. The room is full of workers, and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And, how much do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 per week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $600.00 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that 'goof-off' did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes!" |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 20 2004, 10:50 AM Post #26 |
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Admiral
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^^^ (I bet that's the largest tip he ever got! Well, if he was real...)
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 26 2004, 01:01 PM Post #27 |
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Admiral
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bush behind him. He turned to look. He saw a huge grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a believer?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful." |
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| Minuet | Jan 26 2004, 03:17 PM Post #28 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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I've actually heard a similar joke, but with a jewish twist. The bear is following the guy and corners him. When the guy hears the bear saying something in hebrew he is relieved because he figures a jewish bear won't hurt a fellow jew, until he realizes the bear is saying the blessings that you say before you eat! |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 26 2004, 06:03 PM Post #29 |
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Admiral
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Here's another. People are sending me all kinds of stuff today. Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news, he said: "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." |
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| Minuet | Jan 26 2004, 09:28 PM Post #30 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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^^^^Hey, I got that one earlier this week! Except my email had Edna and Jim instead of Mary and Jim!!!
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3:21 AM Jul 11