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| Tell A Joke; (the thread) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 18 2003, 09:38 PM (558 Views) | |
| Dandandat | Dec 18 2003, 09:38 PM Post #1 |
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Time to put something here
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1) One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." ![]() 2) A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." :lol: 3) A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartender says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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| TribbleMom | Dec 19 2003, 05:03 PM Post #2 |
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Commodore
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Okay, here's a couple of Star Trek one-liners: Q. What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A. A croaking device. Q. Why was STAR TREK so successful? A. It had good Genes. Q. Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert? A. He never forgets a phaser. Q. What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument? A. Science Friction. And here's an Animated Series joke: The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings, they had trouble deciding how to eat him. The Kzinti captain had the last word. He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down." |
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| Minuet | Dec 19 2003, 09:27 PM Post #3 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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You may be sorry you started this thread. I have hundreds of jokes saved in my computer. Here is one of the ones I got recently: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Aucoin, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you. "The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." |
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| Minuet | Dec 19 2003, 09:32 PM Post #4 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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One more for today. A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter? He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch". |
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| Wichita | Dec 20 2003, 06:50 AM Post #5 |
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The Adminstrator wRench
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^^^ It's been a long time since I laughed this hard! |
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| somerled | Dec 20 2003, 09:19 AM Post #6 |
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Admiral MacDonald RN
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20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." Christmas Physics After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus. 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each. 3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. Christmas Survival Quiz In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS 1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you... A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!" B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!" C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps. 2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..." A. "a gada da vida." B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..." C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!" 3: By the way, what is a Blitzen? A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum. B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli? C. A reindeer, stupid! 4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means... A. He's Santa! B. He's got a facial tick! C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants! 5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come? A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood. B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter. C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep. PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS 6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do? A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right? B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have. C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka! 7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is... A. Why you don't believe in God anymore. B. Politics. C. The weather. 8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you... A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff. B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted. C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning. 9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You... A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities. B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him! C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it. 10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is... A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it. B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store. C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine. SCORING THE QUIZ: As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below. 10-22 Points: In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it. 24-38 Points: You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it. 40-50 Points: You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt. Addicted to the internet ??? There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com" Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^) You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse. Your best friend is someone you've never met. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." Your dog has its own home page. So does your gold fish. HelP These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down... 1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off. 8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet. 9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store. 10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol! 11. Do shopping with clothes on. 12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes. Techronia Group Therapy It doesn't just end at simple phone support for our customers... Since things like, undeleteing files clients so recklessly deleted isn't always possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We open up user groups to talk about where their stupidity originated. Heredity, social status, the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks ago but are still working for the company, are all group discussion topics that bring subjects into the open. Although most of the clients are irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives, we can look at ways of curving the impact of their truly stupid acts from effecting the remainder of the company. Beware of new virus : Beware of new virus outbreaks on computers everywhere, such as... Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:> Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Nike virus: Just does it. Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back. I have heaps more !!
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| somerled | Dec 20 2003, 09:31 AM Post #7 |
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Admiral MacDonald RN
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Adverts: Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. |
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| Fesarius | Dec 20 2003, 12:27 PM Post #8 |
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Admiral
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LOL! Minuet, those are some real gems. I work with a woman who tells what she refers to as 'Jewish American Princess' jokes. I think you've mentioned this genre before. I don't feel right sharing these, as I feel my posting them would offend. (For example, have you heard the one about the nail file? ;)) Would you care to share some of those?
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| ImpulseEngine | Dec 20 2003, 05:16 PM Post #9 |
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Admiral
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Please join me in remembering a great icon veteran Pillsbury spokesperson,the Pillsbury Doughboy, who died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Hundreds of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Duncan Hines, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business. He was no flash in the pan, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes and getting burned in a number of hot deals. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but to no avail. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough, who has been called a tart. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes. |
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| 24thcenstfan | Dec 20 2003, 10:42 PM Post #10 |
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Something Wicked This Fae Comes
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Dante, I love the duck joke! :lol: :lol:
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| Minuet | Dec 22 2003, 12:08 AM Post #11 |
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Fleet Admiral Assistant wRench, Chief Supper Officer
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This is a special for Fesarius as he requested a Jewish joke JEWISH MOTHERS MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing good money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers: ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your hair?" MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years." |
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| Fesarius | Dec 22 2003, 09:26 AM Post #12 |
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Admiral
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^^^ LOL! Thanks, Minuet. I might forward those on to my co-worker. She loves these types of jokes. I think my favorites were Mona Lisa and Moses.
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| Fesarius | Dec 22 2003, 03:50 PM Post #13 |
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Admiral
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What's the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'? (Answer below.) 'Unlawful' means against the law, while 'illegal' is a sick bird. Sorry about that.
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| ImpulseEngine | Dec 23 2003, 03:11 PM Post #14 |
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Admiral
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If Noah's Ark Happened in 2003 And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system." "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls." "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood." "They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire." "The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!" |
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| ImpulseEngine | Jan 6 2004, 11:57 AM Post #15 |
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Admiral
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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her. Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be. Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car." Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious!" :lol: |
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3:21 AM Jul 11