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correction?
Topic Started: May 6 2004, 04:04 AM (63 Views)
Naruta-chan
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although i like to write poems, i can only write them when I have a feeling to wrtie them at the moment the event happens. I think most of the time, the better poems come from my most depressing moments.
anywayz...here i am writing this again.
but i know that i make lots of grammatical mistakes. can someone help me edit this?
thnx! :woooohoooo:

"Let our distance that we had among each other measure the withering of our hearts

Let our pride shut off the oxygen traveling to our brains

Let our ignorance of one another be the main reason for our failures

Let our silence be the answers that we are trying to communicate.

Let our hate binds with our fate

Let us sink and cannot be saved." by. Valz.H. 05-06-04
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hot_saranghae
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aw~~
tt's so nice...
I like the poem a lot...
so meaningful^^

I esp. like the line..."let our hate binds with our fate..."
GOOD JOB!!

~Rina
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Winged VoX
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Yo-Tai-Keizuke
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Speechless... *claps*
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Angel
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vietpucca
May 6 2004, 04:04 AM

but i know that i make lots of grammatical mistakes. can someone help me edit this?
thnx! :woooohoooo:

"Let our distance that we had among each other measure the withering of our hearts

Let our pride shut off the oxygen traveling to our brains

Let our ignorance of one another be the main reason for our failures

Let our silence be the answers that we are trying to communicate.

Let our hate binds with our fate

Let us sink and cannot be saved." by. Valz.H. 05-06-04

ok, hot stuff...u asked for help editing the grammar...here goes (altho sometimes its best to leave it as it is when you first wrote it) :

on the last 2 lines-->(these are suggestions of course)

Quote:
 
Let our hate binds with our fate


Let our hate bind us to our fate. (?)
Let our hate bind our fate.
Our hate is binding with fate.

Quote:
 
Let us sink and cannot be saved.


Let us sink and not be saved.
Let us sink so we cannot be saved.
Let us sink never to be saved.

....remember..just suggestions...i like it just the way it is....your poem was excellent...you projected your emotions very well. it was abstract with an focused energy to it. good job, val! ^_^


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Naruta-chan
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thanks for the comments and thanks for the correction.

i like this one (this sounds more correct-and better- than what i had)

Quote:
 
Let our hate bind us to our fate


though for this one, i have a question:

"Let our hate bind our fate"

isn't hate always singular? so, shouldn't the verb, "bind," be singular also? so shouldnt it be "binds?"


and i like this one:

Quote:
 
Let us sink never to be saved.


thanks for helping.
>.< need to work more on my writing
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jinnie
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aww. . .very beautiful.
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